Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st February 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Something involving the color yellow will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Hank Aaron will shower you with unusual gifts on Saturday. This will only happen though if you are wearing red When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Monday who looks at all like Peyton Manning, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. If you see anybody this week who looks like Norman Rockwell, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist.  Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Wednesday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug
July 26th

A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.