Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th February 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Monday.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Wednesday this week. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Sunday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. You will bump into a Mussel on Sunday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. On Monday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. You are neither Chris Rock or Eddie Murphy, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Monday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug
July 26th

You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

The number 16 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Thursday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.