Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th March 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 54, the color green and someone who has a connection to Thomas Edison will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug
July 26th

Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color pink. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Wednesday. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Carl Sagan, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.