Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th March 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Hold a dinner party on Tuesday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. If you see anybody this week who looks like Alfred Hitchcock, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist.  You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 17 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug
July 26th

You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Friday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Tuesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing purple. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual.  What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.