Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st March 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Thursday.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Friday who looks at all like James Dean, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. You will bump into a Mussel on Thursday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

A man connected with the number 88 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug
July 26th

You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Louis Pasteur driving a blue car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Wednesday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.