Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th March 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. If you see anybody this week who looks like John Travolta, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist.  Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Monday.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Sunday.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 38. The number 25 will be a powerful omen for you this Friday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug
July 26th

You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Thomas Jefferson then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Should you wear pink on Tuesday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.