Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd May 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like William F. Buckley, Jr. will shower you with unusual gifts on Friday. This will only happen though if you are wearing green You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Don't leave your house on Sunday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like C. S. Lewis, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

A pink car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Monday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug
July 26th

It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Try relaxing on Tuesday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.