Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th June 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color orange. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Thursday. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

A pretty young woman connected to the number 23 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Tuesday.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

If you wear too much make-up on Monday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Monday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug
July 26th

You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Get the guys or girls around your place on Sunday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Julia Roberts at all.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Sunday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Monday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.