Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th June 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Tuesday.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Jane Austen will shower you with unusual gifts on Monday. This will only happen though if you are wearing red Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual.  There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Sunday.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Saturday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug
July 26th

You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. The number 32 will have special significance on Saturday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. The color red will be very important to you this week. Especially on Monday, and when connected to the number 71, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Thursday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.