Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th June 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual.  Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Sometimes it is good to try something new. Thursday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Saturday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. You will bump into a Mussel on Tuesday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Sunday.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Thursday. It will impress a secret admirer. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug
July 26th

Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. When you and a Limpet get together on Thursday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

If you wear too much make-up on Monday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.