Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th June 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Monday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Wednesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. You are not Sean Connery, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

The number 73 will have special significance on Saturday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Saturday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug
July 26th

Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Friday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Julia Child. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

A pretty young woman connected to the number 46 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves.  There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.