Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th July 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Thursday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Billy Crystal. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. A man connected with the number 33 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Tuesday.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? On Saturday night you will dream of being David Beckham. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug
July 26th

You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Saturday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves.  A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th July 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. A man connected with the number 34 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. If you see anybody this week who looks like Elvis Presley, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist.  You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug
July 26th

The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. You have dandruff, do something about it! In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Wednesday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Danny Glover driving a purple car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th July 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Mary Tyler Moore, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 14. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Tuesday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? The number 46 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Wednesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug
July 26th

You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Saturday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Sunday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th July 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Friday.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual.  A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not C. G. Jung, If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Madonna, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug
July 26th

You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. Hanging out with a Scallop on Saturday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Thursday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Neil Diamond, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing orange. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.