Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th July 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Mary Tyler Moore, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 14. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Tuesday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? The number 46 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Wednesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug
July 26th

You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Saturday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Sunday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.