Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th July 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Friday.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual.  A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not C. G. Jung, If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Madonna, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug
July 26th

You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. Hanging out with a Scallop on Saturday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Thursday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Neil Diamond, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing orange. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.