Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th July 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Thursday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Billy Crystal. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. A man connected with the number 33 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Tuesday.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? On Saturday night you will dream of being David Beckham. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug
July 26th

You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Saturday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves.  A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.