Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th July 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. A man connected with the number 34 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. If you see anybody this week who looks like Elvis Presley, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist.  You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug
July 26th

The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. You have dandruff, do something about it! In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Wednesday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Danny Glover driving a purple car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.