Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th August 2011

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
On Sunday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Monday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.

The Slug July 26th
Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Mr. Rogers, Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as C. G. Jung, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Wednesday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.