Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th August 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. You will bump into a Mussel on Wednesday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Monday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Wednesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug
July 26th

Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not John Lennon, Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Saturday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Vincent Van Gogh, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Monday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.