Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st August 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Sunday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Peter Jennings and Tiger Woods.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Something about the number 66 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Friday will keep your mind occupied. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Saturday who looks at all like Madonna, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. You will bump into a Mussel on Sunday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Friday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Hook up with an Octopus on Wednesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Wednesday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug
July 26th

Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Mark Twain, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing red. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Elizabeth Dole driving a yellow car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.