Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd August 2011

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. A man connected with the number 85 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 7 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Wednesday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. You will bump into a Mussel on Wednesday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Friday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene
problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Wednesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Julia Roberts will shower you with unusual gifts on Wednesday. This will only happen though if you are wearing purple Hold a dinner party on Monday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Thursday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. When you and a Limpet get together on Friday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Avoid the number 2 if possible on Sunday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Monday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.