Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th October

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Friday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 34 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Thursday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Don't leave your house on Friday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
The number 84 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you?

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Bill Gates, You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Sunday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.