Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 31st October 2011

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Wednesday this week. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. You will bump into a Mussel on Saturday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Something about the number 75 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Monday will keep your mind occupied. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Monday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th
You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. If you make an appointment on Thursday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Sunday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Bob Dylan, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like David Beckham will shower you with unusual gifts on Sunday. This will only happen though if you are wearing purple This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Something involving the color yellow will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.