Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th October 2011

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you make an appointment on Sunday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. If you see anybody this week who looks like Mary Tyler Moore, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Monday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th
Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were
lying. You only have the potential to be a failure.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 94. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Michele Pfeiffer then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Saturday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Sunday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Friday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.