Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th October

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Monday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Don't leave your house on Wednesday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Thomas Jefferson, You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th
If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Take extra special care on Sunday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Tiger Woods, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The number 13 will have special significance on Tuesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Thursday. It will impress a secret admirer. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.