Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th November 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A man connected with the number 78 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 61. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Sunday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. On Thursday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Get out and enjoy life on Monday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Something about the number 46 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Tuesday will keep your mind occupied. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th

Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Friday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Harrison Ford. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th November 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A pretty young woman connected to the number 10 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Tuesday who looks at all like Dan Rather, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Thursday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Hook up with an Octopus on Saturday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Saturday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th

Hanging out with a Scallop on Friday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Mother Teresa at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. A man connected with the number 74 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you General Norman Schwarzkopf in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th November 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Tuesday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Something involving the color green will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Tuesday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th

You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Don't leave your house on Tuesday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. When you and a Limpet get together on Friday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 75, the color white and someone who has a connection to Elizabeth Dole will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Eddie Murphy a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th November 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Jacqueline Kennedy Onasis in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Sunday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A man connected with the number 74 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th

This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Thursday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. When you and a Limpet get together on Thursday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Hold a dinner party on Thursday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.