Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th February 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Avoid the number 65 if possible on Saturday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th

Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. The number 22 will have special significance on Friday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Tom Brokaw then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Thursday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th February 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If you see anybody this week who looks like Phil Donahue, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Wednesday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Why will the color red be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Saturday. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Wednesday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th
Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th February 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. If you wear too much make-up on Saturday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Saturday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Saturday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Wednesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Monday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th
A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. On Monday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd February 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Neil Diamond and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Sunday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Don't leave your house on Friday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. On Thursday night you will dream of being Charlie Brown. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th
Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Alicia Silverstone then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 68. A man connected with the number 61 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Sunday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Monday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.