Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd February 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Neil Diamond and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Sunday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Don't leave your house on Friday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. On Thursday night you will dream of being Charlie Brown. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th
Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Alicia Silverstone then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 68. A man connected with the number 61 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Sunday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Monday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.