Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Avoid the number 65 if possible on Saturday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.
The Slug July 26th
Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. The number 22 will have special significance on Friday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Tom Brokaw then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Thursday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.
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