Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th February 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. If you wear too much make-up on Saturday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Saturday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Saturday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Wednesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Monday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th
A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. On Monday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.