Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th February 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If you see anybody this week who looks like Phil Donahue, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Wednesday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Why will the color red be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Saturday. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Wednesday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th
Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.