Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th August 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Tuesday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Thursday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 85. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Thursday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
On Saturday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles John Travolta a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.