Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th August 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 14 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Friday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Gandhi in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Ronald Regan, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Rick Perry. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Tuesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. When you and a Limpet get together on Sunday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.