Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st December 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color orange. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Friday. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Avoid the number 91 if possible on Thursday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
In a parallel universe you were born as Mother Teresa. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Get out and enjoy life on Monday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Take extra special care on Thursday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. On Thursday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Wednesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A man connected with the number 43 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.