Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th December 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Avoid the number 5 if possible on Friday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Hook up with an Octopus on Thursday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th
Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Thursday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A man connected with the number 34 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Should you wear white on Wednesday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Something involving the color purple will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Wednesday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.