This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Hank Aaron and Tiger Woods.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.
The Slug July 26th
Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Saturday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.
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