Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd December 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Tom Hanks, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. On Friday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. If you make an appointment on Tuesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Darth Vader. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th
You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
On Tuesday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Should you wear white on Tuesday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.