The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Hold a dinner party on Monday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Thursday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.
The Slug
July 26th
One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
A man connected with the number 4 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. On Thursday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Marilyn Vos Savant will shower you with unusual gifts on Tuesday. This will only happen though if you are wearing orange On Saturday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
In a parallel universe you were born as C. G. Jung. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Monday, March 23, 2015
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd March 2015
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Should you wear yellow on Sunday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Monday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Tuesday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.
The Slug July 26th
You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you make an appointment on Friday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Monday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Sean Connery, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Should you wear yellow on Sunday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Monday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Tuesday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.
The Slug July 26th
You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you make an appointment on Friday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Monday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Sean Connery, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.
Monday, March 16, 2015
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th March 2015
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Friday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Saturday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.
The Slug July 26th
Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Albert Einstein then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 83, the color purple and someone who has a connection to Julia Child will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Friday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Saturday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.
The Slug July 26th
Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Albert Einstein then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 83, the color purple and someone who has a connection to Julia Child will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.
Monday, March 9, 2015
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th March 2015
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like William Shakespeare, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.
The Slug July 26th
Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Walt Disney then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Alicia Silverstone will shower you with unusual gifts on Wednesday. This will only happen though if you are wearing purple Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like William Shakespeare, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.
The Slug July 26th
Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Walt Disney then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Alicia Silverstone will shower you with unusual gifts on Wednesday. This will only happen though if you are wearing purple Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd March 2015
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Sunday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Friday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. The number 88 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.
The Slug July 26th
In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A man connected with the number 68 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Something involving the color white will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Sunday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Friday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. The number 88 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.
The Slug July 26th
In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A man connected with the number 68 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Something involving the color white will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.
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