Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th March 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Friday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Saturday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th
Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Albert Einstein then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 83, the color purple and someone who has a connection to Julia Child will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.