Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th March 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like William Shakespeare, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th
Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Walt Disney then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Alicia Silverstone will shower you with unusual gifts on Wednesday. This will only happen though if you are wearing purple Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.