Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 30th March 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Hold a dinner party on Monday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Thursday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th
One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A man connected with the number 4 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. On Thursday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Marilyn Vos Savant will shower you with unusual gifts on Tuesday. This will only happen though if you are wearing orange On Saturday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
In a parallel universe you were born as C. G. Jung. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.