Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd March 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Sunday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Friday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. The number 88 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th
In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A man connected with the number 68 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Something involving the color white will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.