The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. If you wear too much make-up on Friday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.
The Slug
July 26th
A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Get the guys or girls around your place on Sunday for a lurve fest.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
If you make an appointment on Saturday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
The number 5 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.
Sunday, September 27, 2015
Sunday, September 20, 2015
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st September 2015
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Thursday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Avoid the number 37 if possible on Wednesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". You are not Phil Donahue, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. If you make an appointment on Tuesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Wednesday night get-together.
The Slug July 26th
The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. The color red will be very important to you this week. Especially on Thursday, and when connected to the number 16, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Monday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A man connected with the number 45 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Thursday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Avoid the number 37 if possible on Wednesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". You are not Phil Donahue, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. If you make an appointment on Tuesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Wednesday night get-together.
The Slug July 26th
The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. The color red will be very important to you this week. Especially on Thursday, and when connected to the number 16, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Monday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A man connected with the number 45 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.
Sunday, September 6, 2015
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th September 2005
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 23 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). A man connected with the number 90 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Tuesday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Saturday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Michael Jackson will shower you with unusual gifts on Wednesday. This will only happen though if you are wearing blue If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Sunday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.
The Slug July 26th
Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color black. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Wednesday. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Monday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 23 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). A man connected with the number 90 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Tuesday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Saturday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Michael Jackson will shower you with unusual gifts on Wednesday. This will only happen though if you are wearing blue If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Sunday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.
The Slug July 26th
Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color black. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Wednesday. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Monday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
