Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th July 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. On Friday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 39, the color pink and someone who has a connection to Sigourney Weaver will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. You are not Harrison Ford, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Mitt Romney. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th
Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Should you wear red on Sunday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Fred Astaire, This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Alicia Silverstone then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Monday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Hank Aaron at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 56. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. A man connected with the number 86 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.