Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th July 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you wear too much make-up on Friday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Sunday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Monday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th
The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Tuesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Thursday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Madonna in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.