Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th July 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Saturday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. A man connected with the number 21 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. On Monday, the color white, the number 31 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you see anybody this week who looks like Nathaniel Hawthorne, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Peter Jennings, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. On Wednesday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Friday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.