Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st August 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The number 16 will be a powerful omen for you this Friday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 28 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Gandhi, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th
Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Plato driving a yellow car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Wednesday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.