Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th August 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color orange. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Saturday. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Eisenhower and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Saturday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th
Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. You have dandruff, do something about it!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Saturday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A man connected with the number 11 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.