Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th August 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Friday who looks at all like Lewis Carrol, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Monday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. You are not Henri Mancini, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Mother Teresa, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. On Saturday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A man connected with the number 64 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Thursday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Something about the number 21 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Saturday will keep your mind occupied. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Wednesday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.