Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd August 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? The number 86 will be a powerful omen for you this Thursday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Monday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Sunday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Hold a dinner party on Tuesday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? On Saturday, the color orange, the number 31 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Lewis Carrol. Does this matter? Only time will tell. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Friday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. On Sunday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Carol Burnett a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.