Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th August 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. If you see anybody this week who looks like Alicia Silverstone, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Dan Aykroyd, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Wednesday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Thomas Jefferson and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
The number 28 will have special significance on Monday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Monday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th
In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Should you wear white on Sunday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.